I'm glad you were able to discover who your birth father was. My mom was "allowed" to keep me but my "illegitimacy" was a huge secret. I discovered that part when I was 15 but still couldn't get her to talk about it. Her shame about it was huge.
I certainly understand your search for your history. May I tell a different perspective I found true for me, again, true for me and not suggesting it should or could be true for you and others.
My father was killed in car accident when I was eight. Soon after my mom remarried a younger friend of my father. As I tried to learn more about my father and my heritage I was shut down because it made my mom’s new husband uncomfortable. He was a total disaster.
Finally, after continuing to search I gained a lot of information. I thought I was gaining insight about my father and indirectly about me.
A few years ago I realized that no matter how much information I gathered did not mean I understood his life and his experience. I realized the insight into myself was only gained by looking at my own life and my own experiences.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the disaster of a step dad. I had a similar experience - a father killed in a drag racing accident when I was 1. I was his "secret" he took to the grave. My experience of my search to learn about my father, set me free from the burden of "not knowing" about him or the circumstances of his death. The yearning to know consumed me whole, and once I did finally learn the truth I was able to live my life as me.
Jim, I'm sorry for your loss. Sad to lose your father, and that age is so tender. And I'm sorry that your stepfather denied your natural need to learn about your father. So unfair and selfish. I agree with you, we hope mostly to learn about ourselves though those are close to you -- no matter what. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Peace. Mel
I'm glad you were able to discover who your birth father was. My mom was "allowed" to keep me but my "illegitimacy" was a huge secret. I discovered that part when I was 15 but still couldn't get her to talk about it. Her shame about it was huge.
So difficult. Shame was a huge part of it for my mother, I feel sure. A different time. x
I certainly understand your search for your history. May I tell a different perspective I found true for me, again, true for me and not suggesting it should or could be true for you and others.
My father was killed in car accident when I was eight. Soon after my mom remarried a younger friend of my father. As I tried to learn more about my father and my heritage I was shut down because it made my mom’s new husband uncomfortable. He was a total disaster.
Finally, after continuing to search I gained a lot of information. I thought I was gaining insight about my father and indirectly about me.
A few years ago I realized that no matter how much information I gathered did not mean I understood his life and his experience. I realized the insight into myself was only gained by looking at my own life and my own experiences.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the disaster of a step dad. I had a similar experience - a father killed in a drag racing accident when I was 1. I was his "secret" he took to the grave. My experience of my search to learn about my father, set me free from the burden of "not knowing" about him or the circumstances of his death. The yearning to know consumed me whole, and once I did finally learn the truth I was able to live my life as me.
Jim, I'm sorry for your loss. Sad to lose your father, and that age is so tender. And I'm sorry that your stepfather denied your natural need to learn about your father. So unfair and selfish. I agree with you, we hope mostly to learn about ourselves though those are close to you -- no matter what. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Peace. Mel